The Winning Strategy

I've been in politics for 30 years
There's much that I have watched
Soon as I spit out this dribbling paan*
I'll tell you the perfect scheme I've hatched

Arre biwiii*, where's the spittoon?
Where was I? Yes, my plan.
We are wasting time and money
to woo the voters every which way we can

Who wants to go campaigning
in inconvenient God forsaken places
And we're sick of hearing the voters crib
and seeing their ugly faces

So ... ae munna, leave that dog alone
That's my fourth son. My youngest -for now.
He is always throwing stones
at some servant, dog or cow

He looks just like me when I was younger
A strapping lad, isn't he?
I am grooming him and thinking
of giving him The Chair after me

Forever demanding water, food, jobs ..-
- these voters are a big pain
They are always expecting us to work
that too, for Their gain !

We have to pretend to like them too and
constantly think up tactics and speeches
What all we have to continuously do
for these dumb irritating creatures !

With my plan, we can avoid all this and still win
without losing sleep, funds or health
and thereafter concentrate on why we are here
which is to earn power and limitless wealth ...

... Ours are the two main parties
for your success, ours is at stake
We do our best to topple each other
and are each other's main headache

We remember one another's promises
even though the electorate forget fast
We own the media between us and
broadcast the opponent's past

We whip up the public's fury
by digging up each other's crimes
Our strategy has its flip side
we get it back most times

With allegations & investigations
arrests and scandals
Messy coverups and blackmail
brickbats and sandals...

Beta, what is the confusion outside?
What are they shouting so loud ?
Call our Sinha at the police station
and ask them to come & lock up the crowd

Even though we are different parties
our ideologies are the same
To patriotically uphold democracy
we work under different names

Both know dipping our hands into the kitty
is a perk of the chair
and getting kickbacks and commissions
is what we are entitled and fair

It's only our duty that we are doing
for we too have (several) families to feed
It's tough to make millions underhand;
both know how hard it is to succeed

As ours are the only two main parties
(we can absorb or erase the rest)
Let us just take turns to rule
and avoid competition, rivalry and fuss

We have just come to power
and this is what I suggest
Allow us to make the most of it
and do what (for us) is best

In five years it would be your turn
and in the next elections you'd surely win
Thanks to the anti-incumbancy factor
your term can effortlessly begin

The people will vote alternately
thanks to each of our appalling rules
and will forget how it was earlier
and vote the previous rulers back, like fools

We can make our piles in a relaxed manner
with no opposition, during our respective terms
and can campaign at alternate elections
without being called leeches and worms

Allow us to rule now, without interfering
It would be your turn at the next polls
We'll look the other way at that time.
In this strategy can you spot any holes?

If some wise guys protest vehemently
we can accept it as our fate
and put up different candidates
instead of the old leaders they hate

(Our wives can put their thumbs
on the papers, where we say
and for a while to please the voters
behind the scenes we can stay)

So let us agree to cooperate
and treat the deal as done
by marrying your younger daughter
to my second son

I will give him exclusive dealerships
of things like rice and milk
Its our duty to provide for our family
Your daughter will live in gold and silk

He will divorce his present wife, and,
with the wedding we can seal the deal
(That bahu* didn't bring much dowry
So why keep her, I feel)

Our elders and sages were right
If we are divided we fall
Though we are in opposite camps
if we are united, we can stand tall

~ Shanta ~

* biwi - wife
* paan - beetle leaves which are chewed
* bahu - daughter in law

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